Vampire Weaknesses

There's been a lot of talk in the apa about whether vampires can be turned by crucifixes held by lapsed Catholics, or L. Ron Hubbard books wielded by Scientologists, or a recording of "Incense and Peppermints" played by a sincere worshipper of the Beatles (they're more popular than Jesus, you know) who accidentally put on a Strawberry Alarm Clock album instead of Abbey Road and can't tell the difference because he's deaf, or whatnot.

Actually, none of it makes a bit of difference. None of that stuff really affects vampires; they're just faking it, trying to spread the belief that they're incapacitated by holy symbols and running water and garlic. It's a clever Emergency Plan against the day when all of vampirity is trapped on a reservation, behind fences composed of enough holy symbols to bankrupt the Pope, interwoven with enough garlic to wipe out Chef Boyardee, surrounded by a river with enough flowing water to bankrupt ... er ... whoever has a lot of running water to his name. Humanity, thinking itself about to be rid of the undead scourge forever, will aim and ready its ultimate one-use only (to reduce the point cost) weapon, its collective sweaty finger trembling on the trigger, when suddenly the vampiric hordes will gleefully march out as one from behind the barrier, laughing evilly....